not today

I want to swallow the sun
live by the stars and artificial lights
things I can easily hide from
Darkness...comforting darkness...
swallowed by the darkness...

I want to stop breathing
It's not all it's cracked up to be anyway
I want to cry an ocean of tears
and breathe underwater
until some treasure hunter centuries later
dodges shark teeth
and underwater warriors
finds my skeleton
and informs the world
he has found the missing link.

I want to crawl into my belly
squeeze my eyes shut tight
cover my ears and scream
curl into a ball
lay in the birth of my agony
my placenta protecting me from
my life...
sustaining my life.

And yet, the sun now rises on the horizon
blood pours from my tears
oceans don't form,
just blotted distortions on the written page
and I can't hide,
I can't sleep or eat
I am nourished and sustained on agony,
it comforts me like a blanket
I try not to stir underneath
as celebrations continue on the ground floor.

I can't sleep or eat
agony stirs me from my bed
I look out the window and see
sunshine, flowers, life
my heart breaks
as the celebrations rise beneath me
crushing my soul into nothing.

I lay back down
tears form agony on my pillow
I am still breathing air
the sun is still shining
I do not get up
I do not rise to the occasion.

Someday...maybe...not today.