Survival

On October 16th, on Democracy Now, Yoko Ono talked about survival as well as Peace. I paraphrase: We all have or should have the desire to survive. There are things we have to do in order to survive, and Yoko, with her enormous positive attitude, states that we will do them. We have to.

Although that is not the type of survival I am about to talk about, the words that Yoko shared on Democracy Now struck me in a very good way. Patterns can often be copied and overlayed onto other situations. They may not fit exactly, but there are many similarities.

Shusli and I are both victims and survivors of verbally abusive relationships. I will talk here about my survival of horrific verbal abuse in hopes that it may help some of you readers out there in your future survival in the world. What I and so many others (including Yoko and Shusli) believe, is that we all want to live in peace. So one of the many definitions for survival could be walking toward peace. Real peace. Not this often abusive bullshit perpetuated by much of the alleged peace movement in this nation.

There are many kinds of survival, some healthy, some not so healthy. I have been married three times. The first two were abusive relationships. The first was more manipulative and working on crushing my self-esteem in order for her to get what she wanted out of me, which was no oversight on her over spending. But I want to concentrate on my second marriage, which was the horrific one.

My second wife would scream at me at the top of her lungs and in my face. That screaming would often be accompanied with her spit from her ferocious verbal attacks getting all over my face and glasses. Like most if not all victims of abuse from someone we Love, I figured if I was just a better person then the abuse would stop (a not so healthy type of survival). But the weirdest slights could come with ferocious verbal violence. Once, I called the "Solstice Lights" "Christmas Lights," and she went into a tirade right in front of my daughter, and thankfully, left the house. Shutting the seat belt in the car door was almost always followed by verbal violence. The last year of this five and a half year ordeal was the worst.

She would scream so loud at me and often, in the last year, it had "I HATE YOU" and "I COULD JUST HIT YOU!" and "I COULD JUST KILL YOU!" thrown in there. How I survived in that moment was to numb my soul, sit in front of her, take the attack, try not to talk. If I said anything, it became worse. If I defended my actions, it became worse. I would only talk if she asked me a question. When I answered, my answer would always lead to a feirce attack. She would also bring up a childhood trauma of mine. This trauma was linked to everything I did in her eyes. And she used that trauma as a weapon in her abuse of me. Numbing myself and taking it was how I survived it. Crying would only make it worse. Walking away would prolong the abuse session for days. It was pretty much daily anyway. That is the way I not so healthily survived that abuse.

My healthy survival technique was leaving her on September 19, 2004. But just leaving wasn't enough, I had to heal. Not only did I have to heal from her abuse, I also had to heal from my childhood trauma all over again. But one must understand that in any such situation where one is abused or traumatized, healing is a process. The abuse is something that never leaves you, you learn to survive it in healthy ways or you continue suffering. One should definitely get themselves out of an abusive situation if it is possible. One should always seek help, never try to survive alone. Getting out of an unhealthy situation does not bring instant gratification to ones health. Your heart and soul will never forget. You have to relearn how to have healthy relationships even with friends and family. You have to find what is right for you in your survival because survival can be as individual as a fingerprint and as common as the fact that we all have fingerprints.

Another part of my survival has been in learning to have a healthy Loving and Beautiful relationship with Shusli. At times, it has been difficult for me because I am always looking over my shoulder at those past relationships. But Shusli is one of the most Awesome and Beautiful and Wise women I have ever met. She is constantly growing in her wisdom and beauty, although she doesn't see it. I have the honor and privilege as her Proud Husband to bear witness to her constant growth. Shusli has taught me what a healthy relationship is, how it is as individual as a fingerprint and as common as the fact most of us have fingers. A healthy relationship is constantly growing, constantly moving. But, Shusli and I both still hurt from past relationships from time to time. It is all a part of healing. It is all a part of survival.

You can take this form of survival and place it as an overlay on most situations in our lives. What is healthy and unhealthy for us? How can we change it? What is healthy and unhealthy for our various masses? How can we change it?

Get out there, folks. Don't just survive by being alive, survive by being the vibrant and glorious human beings you are meant to be. Share that with others. Survive, thrive, and LIVE!